Who Am I?


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Most, if not all of the time, I am not conciously aware of who I really am. I rarely operate from that deep down place inside of me on purpose.

And yet, I am still that person.

It’s as if I believe that knowing who I am will change who I am, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t change it at all. I will accomplish what I am to do with or without the knowledge of who I am.

So, why does it matter to know who I am? If it doesn’t change who I am to know who I am, then why does it matter? So maybe the question I can ask instead is: What would I do differently if I was conciously aware of who I am?

I would move forward without hesitation.
I would be bold with my words.
I would speak truth and let it ring in the hearts of the receivers.
I wouldn’t get hung up on who is right, but what is right, correct and pure.
I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way.
I would uninvite people from my path who are obstsructing it.
I would love fiercely. Oh, how I would love fiercely.

So basically, if I was conciously aware of who I am, I would do what I already do, without holding back. This then begs the question: Am I ready to not hold back?

Hope Comes


posted by on My Life


Today I almost called it quits on everything I’ve worked on to get where I’m at by just stopping. It was just too hard and I didn’t think I had another drop of ‘Just keep going’ in me. I wanted to stop journaling. I wanted to stop being curious. I wanted to stop discovering. I wanted to stop wondering what more is out there. I wanted to stop hoping. I just wanted to stop. Because if I stopped then maybe, just maybe, the excruciating pain would stop.

For. One. Brief. Moment. I. Could. Not. Breathe.

My dear friends, the pain doesn’t stop. It keeps marching forward just like time. And just like time, there is much we can learn from the painful moments. I felt overtaken by the current of knowing that I couldn’t stop the pain and I could feel myself drowning. And then I decided that being overwhelmed by the overwhelming was not a choice I wanted to make. So I made the choice to journal. I made the choice to be curious. I made the choice to keep discovering. I made the choice to wonder what more is out there. I made the choice to hope.

Hope comes in all shapes and sizes. It comes through tears. It comes in the opportunity to serve someone. It comes in teaching four young women, who are hungry to learn, about who they really are. It comes in talking to a loved one overseas. It comes in a family discussion about how we’re going to do better and be better as a family because family matters. It comes in a hymn sung at church. It comes in soft meditative music. It comes in a discussion with someone from Nepal on how to meditate. It comes in the quiet moments when the Savior says, “I’ve got you and together we’ve got this.”

Keep hoping…it comes.

My Next 40 Years


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This week I turned 41. 40 has a way of making you look at life differently, but the permanence of my 40’s became real when 41 came up around the bend. Up until now, this blog has been dedicated to the tender mercies in my life. Tender mercies that help me to see beyond paralyzing anxieties. My blog was titled ‘I Stand All Amazed’. The name has served it’s purpose well, but age and experience have taught me that it’s time to do more than stand. It’s time to leave the anxieties behind and start moving forward. In doing so I’m seeing things I’ve seen a thousand times but don’t ever remember seeing. I guess you could say my eyes feel opened for the first time.

I now see truth. I no longer see portions of truth mingled with portions of “something else” I’ve never even considered to be truth, but too afraid to challenge. I see, “He that has ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth; which truth shineth. This is the light of Christ…” (Doctrine & Covenants 88:6-7)

This light of Christ has opened my eyes – to see things through God’s eyes. I’ve noticed that a gentle confidence has emerged from within, nudging me to courageously live life beyond a place I’ve barely dared to imagine. I feel driven to push beyond the boundaries of spiritual wheel chairs, emotional crutches, mental safety nets, and monochromatic choices.

So….here’s to my next 40 years. Onward and upward!

It is given to me


posted by on Ramblings

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Today I was studying 1 Nephi 18 with Jonathan and I was struck by Nephi’s ability to remain humble during his time of afflictions brought upon him by his brothers and wondering to myself, “when will I be like Nephi?” While pondering on these things I was reminded of some challenging events in my life right now and how the natural side of me would probably complain, but instead, I feel a sweet desire swelling up deep within me to be humble amidst these afflictions. It is coming very easily to me and it is obvious that it isn’t coming from me.

Rather, it is coming from a deep reservoir within me that contains truth from One who has gone before and paved the way for all mankind – it is from Him whence my humility flows.

The ideas of how to be more patient, the ability to focus on what I can give of myself, to know I need to cling to my faith now more than ever and how to do that, to be given impressions that my trials and afflictions are actually blessings in disguise and then to immediately feel so much gratitude for a wise and loving Heavenly Father that my heart feels like it will burst. No, none of this comes from me – it is given to me – and how grateful I am for that. I learned  that being like Nephi isn’t something I can do on my own – it is developed, or rather, gifted through Christlike attributes.

Oh, how I truly am nothing without Him!

posted by on Family Home Evening

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So…..last week I gave the kids a homework assignment for FHE. They were to search the scriptures and find a verse that DESCRIBED THE KIND OF FAMILY WE WANT TO BE.

Only one remembered.

The others….not so much. BUT hoping to not be outdone by their sibling, some of them randomly spouted off a reference that was sure to win our hearts over. (I mean, how could they go wrong?) The results were pretty hilarious.

Which one did we choose? I’ll let you be the judge.

Isaiah 28:8, Alma 5:54, Alma 7:23-24, 3 Nephi 16:10